Time Traveler has Trouble Adjusting to Daylight Savings

Baltimore, MD

Time traveler Keeley Maxwell arrived in Baltimore as scheduled on November 4th - or was it November 3rd still? After arriving early for the date he had missed years ago - rather, that very day - e was perplexed and overwhelmed with the anxiety looming over him with the possibility of a mistake or alteration. Finally, someone reminded the oddly-dressed Maxwell that it was Daylight Savings. After traveling all that while to get there, he couldn't believe he'd lagged on such a blatant temporal detail.

Five Year Old Art Prodigy Just Angry at Mom and Pens

Rochester, NY

In upstate New York, a five-year-old by the name of Sammy Stringer threw pieces of paper out of his parent's third-story apartment kitchen window, which happened to be street side. Just at that moment, a scowling reporter for the NYTimes was walking by, with a reprimanding eye at the sight of papers being littered as medieval wash buckets. But what he found was not some piece of trash but the workings of a Jean Miró as if transformed by Maurits Cornelius Escher himself. Dazed, he chased down the street picking up what desultory remanants he could of this woefully self-dismissive artist he imagined was a teenage prodigy in distress. He couldn't have been more off.

Knocking on the door, a disgruntled mother paused her loud berating of her five-year old for splintering each and every one of her acrilics and putting them all over all the paper she had just purchased for the home computer. The five year old yelled back, "I'm almost done, mom!" As he squeezed the last acrylic hovering across the page, it set a curving cosmological pattern from all of its puncture wounds he'd made with his mom's favorite fountain pen.

Homeless Scoff BBC for Calling Wallet-less Life Futuristic

Brooklyn, NY

Patricio Beneglio, 33, scratches his fake Oakleys off of his forehead, and picks them up after they clang on the stoop. "I'm just frustrated, is all. BBC - I mean BBC. The BBC. They say the wallet-free world is closer than we think." He struggles to get to his feet, and kicks a few empty crushed cans into the gutter in doing so. Turning his sweatpant pockets inside out he cries, "I've been wallet-less since '88! That's not the future! They should be interviewing me - Patricio B!"

While rambling, Patricio B. does make some valid points. Although he does not pay for things with phone apps, he has paid for things with phone calls, phone actions, phone sales, and the sales of other non-cash items, from ziploc'd goldfish to corporeal fixations, he may very well hold the record for non-wallet purchases.

High Sea Pirates Hijack Secret High Security Prison Ship

International Waters

At an undisclosed location, presumably off the coast of Somalia, south of the Gulf of Aden, three unnamed, unmarked vessels boarded another unnamed, unmarked ship, this one much, much larger. Much to the pirates' dismay, it belonged to a number of private, secret investors of an off-the-grid prison. Needless to say, it didn't end well for the pirates, whose whereabouts are still unknown.

Friends and relatives of lost alleged fishermen from Somalia can only relate it by calling it a mixup between this season's two blockbusters, "Captain Phillips" and "Escape Plan".

Malls Rated #1 Place for Zombie Hunters

Kansas City, KS

Zombie hunters worldwide left their bunkers with kevlar plated armor and crossbows to visit malls, scoping the upcoming hunting season.

"There are more this year than ever before," whispers Jacob Barley, a seasoned zombie-hunter enthusiast. "This year's promising to be a big one! I've already bagged some 300-pound specimen! There are hordes of 'em here at the Country Mall!"

Russia Gives Snowden Mixed Review: Sensitive Dude with Some Sensitive Data

Moscow, Russia

Putin and other intelligence officers reported from Moscow's Sheremetyevo International Airport that Snowden is welcome to leave at any point. Russia's review of Snowden included noting his "complete compliance and willingness to share," but was quick to point out that "[We] sifted through much personal drivel and drama to find the tidbits of the mass surveillance programs. He just kept going on and on about the 19 days of fighting with his now ex-girlfriend between when they moved out of their house in Waipahu, Hawaii and he flew to Hong Kong alone, where she had been claiming his real passion lay. Then he would go on about anime and his mistake to practice his basic Mandarin and his lack of foresight for the prevalence of Cantonese there. And how hard it was to patch things up with his ex with all of his applications for asylum."

Off the record, one official observed: "Snowden's personality is more sensitive than his information." Officials involved in the Snowden case at Sheremetyevo say they have dealt more with the cashiers at groceries stores wondering why they're buying so much Kleenex than they have with the mic-shoving media frenzy surrounding this hot issue.

Arctic, Alaskan Snow Melt Bad for Scientists and Population, Good for Kids who Lost Toys Last Year.

Juno, AK.

The snow melt is breaking record levels in Alaska and the arctic, according to any scientist privy to the data collected in any of the last 10 years. While this worries scientists and people up-to-date on this news around the globe, where glaciers are dissipating quickly and water levels are rising rapidly. But not everybody is concerned. Last year, Billy Worthington lost over 8 toys in the snowfall. He thought they were lost forever, but with this global climate change inflicted in the form of snow melt, his toys are popping up all over the place.