Psychology Report on Pens: Why Banks Are Trending Towards Many Rather than One Tethered

Earlham, Indiana.

Psychologists have concluded a study in large part focused on banks in the midwest who have, in recent years, trended away from one tethered pen to many, more affordable pens. Furthermore, these new pens are encouraged to be taken and more often than not are marketing devices, including the name, branch, and phone number of the bank.

Researchers conducted a survey, which showed that people are more likely to sign checks and slips if a pen is free rather than tethered. Clients are more likely to return to conduct their business at a particular branch if they have taken a pen the previous visit. And lastly, they are less likely to check their assets on a daily basis, and less likely to complain about fees they have agreed to.

One bank teller who wishes to remain anonymous told us, "Upper management has enacted this change for a variety of reasons, not least of which is that we tellers spend less time dealing with unhappy costumers who have less money due to fees and leave with nothing because now they leave with, well, sometimes a handful of pens and lollipops. Multiple $15 fees accrue over time, so a few 10 cent pens and 5 cent lollipops to keep the peace is more than fine with me...You know we aren't allowed to drink coffee at the computers?"

IOC Considers Spring Olympics - Mud Wrestling at Top of List

London, England

The International Olympic Committee (IOC) met in London this past weekend to continue the ongoing discussion about initiating Spring Olympics. Alex Huxley, the coordination commission co-chairman revealed that the federation had already aligned 20 events, and CEOs of renowned brands such as Tide, Febreeze, Swiffer, and Hoover were already communicating with officials to be allotted key sponsor roles.

It comes as no surprise, though, that mud wrestling is at the top of the list. Olympics spokesman Roger Cutler has been receiving over 200 emails a day, and growing, from ticket-hungry internet prowlers, eager to snipe early bids on seats. Should the Spring Olympics pass, a decision that will be made in the coming month, mud wrestling seats will already have spiked to over double the $1,200 front row and box seats for the finals of men's tennis and many track & field events of the summer Olympics, as well as the snowboarding and doubles figure skating seat prices. This has many fans of the Olympics and members of the IOC alike eager to pass the vote.

Lab Tests Show Baleen Teeth Advantageous for Filtering Bad Air - Pollution not a Problem

Pawtuckaway, NY.

Graduates from Colombia University, Rohahd Jiminez and Paul Nixon concluded results from a 5-year collaboration on a theory proposed over french fries and burgers shared in Shanghai 7 years ago:

If mammals such as humans breathed through baleen teeth in environments with polluted air, they would have fewer health issues courtesy of self-filtering.

Their positive results tested on rats in toxic environments will be published in this month's subscription to Times Magazine, heralding a new line of surgery and genetic modifications for monkeys and subsequently humans should the genetically more proximate monkeys prove a success as well. The ramifications of such a discovery has both the EPA and toxin-producing companies worldwide reeling at the possibilities, wiring funds into the research of Jiminez and Nixon and labs of their own, disrespectively.

Cavities Have a Silver Lining

Detroit, MI.

Another 20-something-year-old stubs out his cigarette and enters the dentist for a cavity filling appointment. The amalgam used to fill his cavity has a silver lining, though. Literally. The paste employs silver alloyed with mercury (and small amounts of other, less electrically and thermally conductive metals). It stiffens in minutes, hardens in hours, and will keep you more silver than most people's silverware, which is actually just cutlery made of other metals.

There is a silver lining, even to cavities. You just have to look where silverware meets silver.

82% People Who Love Statistics Still Hate Math

Cumberland, MD

Standing in line in a grocery store, hidden cameras, the unbiased, candid data collectors took stock of over 10,000 samples in just one week of people who bought groceries. This sample pool is considered practically on par with knocking on doors and having everyone open up. The amazing thing was, of the 10,000 people who bought groceries in this town, 89% were interested in the statistics shown on the magazines in the queue. What is more, 65% of them read articles with statistics in the title, and a whopping 77% read articles full of statistics. But do they love math?

Unfortunately, no. People only love math secretly. When you call it statistics. Of the 8,900 people who read statistics-based articles while waiting to be charged for their groceries, 82% would flip the page if the article was about mathematics. When scandalous, celebrity-based, and/or health and fitness magazines were placed strategically next to Mathematics and Science magazines, the same 82% of people would not offer more than a glance at the cover of the magazine. During excessive waiting times in line, 100/100 patrons would move the mathematics magazines to check behind for more saucy morsels with statistics.

So what does this teach our math teachers? Use a 100% different vehicle to engage your students with the mathematics!

Scientist Upset She Missed Sunrise by 8 Minutes 20 Seconds - Date Doesn't Understand

Cadillac Mountain, ME.

Taking in the panoramic wonder of the shimmering water moats around islands, and rushing hand in hand past wild blueberries and cinquefoils, the scientist and her date raced to catch the sunrise. As they made it to the top of Cadillac Mountain, home to the nation's first sunrise (at least in the fall and winter), the scientist's date was ecstatic. "We made it!" he exclaimed, as the first light crested the horizon and burst into his squinting eyes, which then turned to her. She dropped her arms. Clearly discontent, she retorted, "No. We missed it by 8 minutes and 20 seconds."

Confused, he sat there as she lectured him on the speed of light and the simple equation used to calculate the time it takes for light to travel from the Sun to the Earth, even with seasonal variance based on the irregular orbital path.

Blind Spanish Complaints Fall on Deaf Ears

Miami, FL. Public venues in the United States where Spanish speakers account for a significant (read: greater than 25%) portion of the population, still have no representation within the Braille system. Take Miami, Florida, for example. Even in 2006, only 18.5% of the population was composed of non-Hispanic whites, according the Census Bureau. It doesn't take a sociology professor to see the trending exodus being homogeneously replaced by Spanish speakers.

Why is it, then, that the blind population still receives the English treatment? They are living in a predominantly Spanish-speaking population where shop owners and employees alike find difficulties when they don't know Spanish, leaning on friends to translate. And yet the blind Braille system only caters to English speakers. Why haven't their voices been heard?

Grocery stores, airports, hotels, public markets and so forth even in the suburban regions have bilingual signs. But when it comes to emergency exit information and restroom signs - the bare minimum of information to provide - only the English version is available in Braille. The National Braille Association (NBA) has simplified and streamlined its formats in annually updated guidelines. Spanish introduces a mere 7 symbols from the English braille, 5 of which are the vowels with acute marks. It couldn't be a more painless addendum to signage and a more important agenda to tackle as a community invested in the constituents.

Time for representation. Hold your public servants responsible for serving the public.