Five Year Old Art Prodigy Just Angry at Mom and Pens

Rochester, NY

In upstate New York, a five-year-old by the name of Sammy Stringer threw pieces of paper out of his parent's third-story apartment kitchen window, which happened to be street side. Just at that moment, a scowling reporter for the NYTimes was walking by, with a reprimanding eye at the sight of papers being littered as medieval wash buckets. But what he found was not some piece of trash but the workings of a Jean Miró as if transformed by Maurits Cornelius Escher himself. Dazed, he chased down the street picking up what desultory remanants he could of this woefully self-dismissive artist he imagined was a teenage prodigy in distress. He couldn't have been more off.

Knocking on the door, a disgruntled mother paused her loud berating of her five-year old for splintering each and every one of her acrilics and putting them all over all the paper she had just purchased for the home computer. The five year old yelled back, "I'm almost done, mom!" As he squeezed the last acrylic hovering across the page, it set a curving cosmological pattern from all of its puncture wounds he'd made with his mom's favorite fountain pen.

Homeless Scoff BBC for Calling Wallet-less Life Futuristic

Brooklyn, NY

Patricio Beneglio, 33, scratches his fake Oakleys off of his forehead, and picks them up after they clang on the stoop. "I'm just frustrated, is all. BBC - I mean BBC. The BBC. They say the wallet-free world is closer than we think." He struggles to get to his feet, and kicks a few empty crushed cans into the gutter in doing so. Turning his sweatpant pockets inside out he cries, "I've been wallet-less since '88! That's not the future! They should be interviewing me - Patricio B!"

While rambling, Patricio B. does make some valid points. Although he does not pay for things with phone apps, he has paid for things with phone calls, phone actions, phone sales, and the sales of other non-cash items, from ziploc'd goldfish to corporeal fixations, he may very well hold the record for non-wallet purchases.

High Sea Pirates Hijack Secret High Security Prison Ship

International Waters

At an undisclosed location, presumably off the coast of Somalia, south of the Gulf of Aden, three unnamed, unmarked vessels boarded another unnamed, unmarked ship, this one much, much larger. Much to the pirates' dismay, it belonged to a number of private, secret investors of an off-the-grid prison. Needless to say, it didn't end well for the pirates, whose whereabouts are still unknown.

Friends and relatives of lost alleged fishermen from Somalia can only relate it by calling it a mixup between this season's two blockbusters, "Captain Phillips" and "Escape Plan".

Malls Rated #1 Place for Zombie Hunters

Kansas City, KS

Zombie hunters worldwide left their bunkers with kevlar plated armor and crossbows to visit malls, scoping the upcoming hunting season.

"There are more this year than ever before," whispers Jacob Barley, a seasoned zombie-hunter enthusiast. "This year's promising to be a big one! I've already bagged some 300-pound specimen! There are hordes of 'em here at the Country Mall!"

Russia Gives Snowden Mixed Review: Sensitive Dude with Some Sensitive Data

Moscow, Russia

Putin and other intelligence officers reported from Moscow's Sheremetyevo International Airport that Snowden is welcome to leave at any point. Russia's review of Snowden included noting his "complete compliance and willingness to share," but was quick to point out that "[We] sifted through much personal drivel and drama to find the tidbits of the mass surveillance programs. He just kept going on and on about the 19 days of fighting with his now ex-girlfriend between when they moved out of their house in Waipahu, Hawaii and he flew to Hong Kong alone, where she had been claiming his real passion lay. Then he would go on about anime and his mistake to practice his basic Mandarin and his lack of foresight for the prevalence of Cantonese there. And how hard it was to patch things up with his ex with all of his applications for asylum."

Off the record, one official observed: "Snowden's personality is more sensitive than his information." Officials involved in the Snowden case at Sheremetyevo say they have dealt more with the cashiers at groceries stores wondering why they're buying so much Kleenex than they have with the mic-shoving media frenzy surrounding this hot issue.

Arctic, Alaskan Snow Melt Bad for Scientists and Population, Good for Kids who Lost Toys Last Year.

Juno, AK.

The snow melt is breaking record levels in Alaska and the arctic, according to any scientist privy to the data collected in any of the last 10 years. While this worries scientists and people up-to-date on this news around the globe, where glaciers are dissipating quickly and water levels are rising rapidly. But not everybody is concerned. Last year, Billy Worthington lost over 8 toys in the snowfall. He thought they were lost forever, but with this global climate change inflicted in the form of snow melt, his toys are popping up all over the place.

Worm So Hungover from Rain Party, Didn't Realize it was Passed out on Sidewalk

North Conway, NH.

Worm was so hungover from a celebratory party in the rain on the weekend, it passed out on the sidewalk clear through the sunny Monday. No ID was found on the worm. The local police force is still conducting an investigation, questioning local businesses and others present at the party, searching for key witnesses to ensure no foul play was at work. In the meantime, an autopsy is underway.

Police are coordinating talks with local schools to urge students to drink responsibly and use the buddy system to avoid tragedies such as this.

4 Year Old Asks Balding Man if Hair Changed Colors Before It Fell Off

Seattle, WA.

A 4-year-old outside of two coffee shops asks a balding man passing by if his hair changed color before it fell off. Before the man could starkly reply, "No," the little kid began citing fall foliage and how the slowing production and processing of chlorophyll thanks to longer, cooler nights traps sugars in the leaves, closed off by clogged veins.

"Eventually," the kid goes on, "The leaves just fall off once their separation layer is completely sealed. Well, unless we're talking about evergreen needles, with their waxy coating." He then asked the man if his hair would grow back after the winter, or if he was going to make his hair tougher by showering less and waxing it so it wouldn't fall off next time.

Cow Chews Record Amount of Grass, Heifer Thanks Supportive Hubby

Louisville, KY.

Rasmine, a young cow chewed a record amount of grass in September. Heifer Rasmine thanks her talkative, supportive hubby for her feat of food.

Normally, cows chew for about 8 hours a day averaging 890 bites per hour, and ruminating takes about 12. While Rasmine did outdo the average, consuming well over 1100 bites per hour, for 11 hours a day, her large, "honeycomb" or reticulum estimated to be 51-gallons, allowed her to spend less time regurgitating her food and more time on intake. Thus, she surpassed the average 130 lbs. of food a day by a whopping 20% for the entire month of September. Farmers also attribute Rasmine's amazing consumption to an unbelievable terrain of rolling hills with grass at ideal heights of 6 to 9 inches, which optimized her chewing rate and volume. When asked what she plans to do now, Rasmine just chewed her cud.

NASA and WM Launch Space Dump Initiative

Cape Canaveral Air Force Station, Florida.

After years of careful planning and logistics coordination between NASA and WM (Waste Management), the first space dump prototype is set to launch. In an effort to stave off issues for future space missions, NASA and WM are tackling the goal of gathering trash obstacles such as broken satellite remnants, waste from other shuttles and rockets, and the rapidly escalating quantity of trash orbiting the Earth. This accumulating and entropicizing debris has already been the cause for a few minor mishaps in space excursions, but could prove disastrous in the future. Before that happens, NASA and WM hope to curb the problem and increase the odds for space success.

The specially designed prototype is based off of the crane grab game in arcades. It will reach out and operate with the typical boom and jib of a crane, yet the outrigger "box" will be housing the collected trash and the operator as well. The modification from the arcade game would be to take the toys from your hands and collect them into the glass box. The current plans include two astronauts tethered to the outrigger to aid in guiding the hook or jaws around the objects and securing the loads. Whereas normally the dangers in crane operations focus on having a flat base less than .1% deviation for the crane, not overloading it, and not operating in high winds, these aren't the issues for this mission since it takes place in space. Instead, NASA's concerns evolve around sharp objects in proximity to the guy lines for the jib and boom and the assisting astronauts' safety lines; shuttle-debris collision; and space as in volume capacity for the mission. The last concern has been alleviated by adding a compactor to the housing unit, which is planned to remain in space as a space dumpster. The previous concerns have been mitigated - but not absolved - by reinforcing the lines with a braided steel sheath.

Fireplaces Top List of Nonfunctional Items to Own

Boise, Idaho.

In a nationwide survey, fireplaces topped this year's list of non-functional items to own. The nonprofit organization Kyureuss Mynds conducted the poll, which included an outpouring of responses from every state branch. The study came into being due to the rise in 2013 of nonfunctional belongings.

A close second behind the fireplace for items owned for a mark prosperity or aesthetic reasons was hats.  Lids sales and improved machinery for embroidering topping over $70,000 per machine, up 40% from last years machine, which sold for $50,000 are proof of this up-and-coming, rebirthing trend. Trailing behind these two mega powers of unnecessary house or personal items is the watch. While cell phone sales are soaring, and are projected to reach over 2% of the Gross Domestic Product by 2015, the need for watches is declining, the new Samsung smart phone's companion watches not excluded. This leaves the still significant population of watch owners in third place for owning superfluous belongings.

The findings, while humorous to some, denote the underlying fiscal irresponsibility of citizens in debt to a nation in debt.

Anthropologists Claim Human Devolution from Fish after Reading NPR

Boston, MA.

Anthropologists are racking their brains like retailers on Black Friday after reading the NPR report, "Ancient Fish with Strong Jawline Could Rewrite History of Faces", claiming we come from fish. They immediately pounced very non-fishlike at the notion, accusing the claim of being fishetious.

The mammalian anthropologists wondered then, why are we so ill-suited for water in any form: swimming, epidermis, respiration and so on?, unleashing 1000's of comments on NPR's online article comment section. NPR has yet to respond.

Doodling Makes a Comeback

San Francisco, CA.

An increasing number of BART passengers have been trading in their Sudoku books and crosswords, Kindles and smartphones for the old devotion to doodling. People in coffee shops are no longer pretending to be writers, mostly gulping down espressos with an occasional scribble. Instead, an upward trend is being noted, especially on the east and west coasts of people going out in public to doodle. Last week, 7 out of 12 people on the elevator in an apartment building in Brooklyn were doodling between floors 2 and 5. An entire tour bus of tourists were caught doodling in Times Square, their cameras draped like forgotten trophies around their necks. People at a Tegan and Sara concert were seen doodling the show live, even in the front row while singing along, smartphones in pockets.

So why this sudden trade-off of posturing for humble honesty, flashy gadgets for a simple pen and paper, and mindless chitter chatter for creative expression? Hypotheses include the "small world" theory of interconnectedness, which is breeding increasing accountability in contemporaries, economical uncertainties, and a true desire to be more creative.

Graffiti artist Banksy admits to having his start in doodling. He can't recall a single thing he learned in History class, although today he expresses a keen interest in history and current events, drawing inspiration from them, literally and figuratively.

Students Skip Class to Gain Better Education

Minneapolis, MN.

It's almost an obvious equation: the lower the student-teacher ratio, the better the education you'll get. So why haven't students enacted organized groups to take shifts for attending class until now? Nonetheless, a group of students at the University of Minnesota is leading the way. This year, a study group with naturally imbalanced roles of some stronger students assisting weaker, less attentive students quickly led to frustrations and an aim to solve them. This begot the new system developed by the Coalition of Learners And Student Skippers, or CLASS, which is simply outlined as a formula-deriving group for a more efficient schedule, a better student-teacher ratio, and better information acquisition and dissemination.

One of the original founders, Ben Wadsworth, notes happily that he can go to the swimming hole, marinate ribs for the all-night BBQ, and design his 4.27-foot-long paper airplane for his Aerodynamics class instead of going to three other classes, and still gain better information for them in 30-minute review sessions and notes shared via live Google Doc updates or Twitter feeds. "I've never been kicking myself harder! Or, I guess you could say pinching myself to make sure I'm awake. At 3 pm, that is. No more 5am balogne, unless it's my turn to go to class."

Aliens Plan Attack Because of Gross Misrepresentation

Earth, Milky Way, 2013.

Aliens plan attack on Earth because of decades of gross misrepresentation. A translated intercepted long duration gamma-ray burst, thought to be emitted not from radioactive decay but rather from the astronomical collapse of a hypernovae, one of the most powerful cosmic events, has led top astronomical analysts to decoding. What they have gathered seems to be the disembarking message of an entire culture of foreign bodies, capable of collapsing their planet and communicating as well.

The emitted messages are in high energies of 10 TeV, which spacecrafts received and photographed by projections on planes constructed of materials with sufficiently high atomic number. Since reception, analysts have deciphered a warning message utilizing federal agencies' currently furloughed forensic artists to produce the above image with the following warning: We are not happy with our depictions as big-headed, slimy, drooling, leaping creatures. We are coming to eradicate.

We caught up with Jaime Theorey, Astrophysicist, Analyst, and President of Nexgalaxy Acquisitions, Inc., who confirmed these findings and his role as consultant. No stranger to social media and this report's outlets, Theorey urged the public not to panic. At least until the analysis proved the rays were of hypernovaec origins and not bremsstrahlung, and furthermore, that were they indeed from a hypernovae-inducing culture, that a black hole were not henceforth created into which they disappeared.

Psychology Report on Pens: Why Banks Are Trending Towards Many Rather than One Tethered

Earlham, Indiana.

Psychologists have concluded a study in large part focused on banks in the midwest who have, in recent years, trended away from one tethered pen to many, more affordable pens. Furthermore, these new pens are encouraged to be taken and more often than not are marketing devices, including the name, branch, and phone number of the bank.

Researchers conducted a survey, which showed that people are more likely to sign checks and slips if a pen is free rather than tethered. Clients are more likely to return to conduct their business at a particular branch if they have taken a pen the previous visit. And lastly, they are less likely to check their assets on a daily basis, and less likely to complain about fees they have agreed to.

One bank teller who wishes to remain anonymous told us, "Upper management has enacted this change for a variety of reasons, not least of which is that we tellers spend less time dealing with unhappy costumers who have less money due to fees and leave with nothing because now they leave with, well, sometimes a handful of pens and lollipops. Multiple $15 fees accrue over time, so a few 10 cent pens and 5 cent lollipops to keep the peace is more than fine with me...You know we aren't allowed to drink coffee at the computers?"

IOC Considers Spring Olympics - Mud Wrestling at Top of List

London, England

The International Olympic Committee (IOC) met in London this past weekend to continue the ongoing discussion about initiating Spring Olympics. Alex Huxley, the coordination commission co-chairman revealed that the federation had already aligned 20 events, and CEOs of renowned brands such as Tide, Febreeze, Swiffer, and Hoover were already communicating with officials to be allotted key sponsor roles.

It comes as no surprise, though, that mud wrestling is at the top of the list. Olympics spokesman Roger Cutler has been receiving over 200 emails a day, and growing, from ticket-hungry internet prowlers, eager to snipe early bids on seats. Should the Spring Olympics pass, a decision that will be made in the coming month, mud wrestling seats will already have spiked to over double the $1,200 front row and box seats for the finals of men's tennis and many track & field events of the summer Olympics, as well as the snowboarding and doubles figure skating seat prices. This has many fans of the Olympics and members of the IOC alike eager to pass the vote.

Lab Tests Show Baleen Teeth Advantageous for Filtering Bad Air - Pollution not a Problem

Pawtuckaway, NY.

Graduates from Colombia University, Rohahd Jiminez and Paul Nixon concluded results from a 5-year collaboration on a theory proposed over french fries and burgers shared in Shanghai 7 years ago:

If mammals such as humans breathed through baleen teeth in environments with polluted air, they would have fewer health issues courtesy of self-filtering.

Their positive results tested on rats in toxic environments will be published in this month's subscription to Times Magazine, heralding a new line of surgery and genetic modifications for monkeys and subsequently humans should the genetically more proximate monkeys prove a success as well. The ramifications of such a discovery has both the EPA and toxin-producing companies worldwide reeling at the possibilities, wiring funds into the research of Jiminez and Nixon and labs of their own, disrespectively.

Cavities Have a Silver Lining

Detroit, MI.

Another 20-something-year-old stubs out his cigarette and enters the dentist for a cavity filling appointment. The amalgam used to fill his cavity has a silver lining, though. Literally. The paste employs silver alloyed with mercury (and small amounts of other, less electrically and thermally conductive metals). It stiffens in minutes, hardens in hours, and will keep you more silver than most people's silverware, which is actually just cutlery made of other metals.

There is a silver lining, even to cavities. You just have to look where silverware meets silver.

82% People Who Love Statistics Still Hate Math

Cumberland, MD

Standing in line in a grocery store, hidden cameras, the unbiased, candid data collectors took stock of over 10,000 samples in just one week of people who bought groceries. This sample pool is considered practically on par with knocking on doors and having everyone open up. The amazing thing was, of the 10,000 people who bought groceries in this town, 89% were interested in the statistics shown on the magazines in the queue. What is more, 65% of them read articles with statistics in the title, and a whopping 77% read articles full of statistics. But do they love math?

Unfortunately, no. People only love math secretly. When you call it statistics. Of the 8,900 people who read statistics-based articles while waiting to be charged for their groceries, 82% would flip the page if the article was about mathematics. When scandalous, celebrity-based, and/or health and fitness magazines were placed strategically next to Mathematics and Science magazines, the same 82% of people would not offer more than a glance at the cover of the magazine. During excessive waiting times in line, 100/100 patrons would move the mathematics magazines to check behind for more saucy morsels with statistics.

So what does this teach our math teachers? Use a 100% different vehicle to engage your students with the mathematics!

Scientist Upset She Missed Sunrise by 8 Minutes 20 Seconds - Date Doesn't Understand

Cadillac Mountain, ME.

Taking in the panoramic wonder of the shimmering water moats around islands, and rushing hand in hand past wild blueberries and cinquefoils, the scientist and her date raced to catch the sunrise. As they made it to the top of Cadillac Mountain, home to the nation's first sunrise (at least in the fall and winter), the scientist's date was ecstatic. "We made it!" he exclaimed, as the first light crested the horizon and burst into his squinting eyes, which then turned to her. She dropped her arms. Clearly discontent, she retorted, "No. We missed it by 8 minutes and 20 seconds."

Confused, he sat there as she lectured him on the speed of light and the simple equation used to calculate the time it takes for light to travel from the Sun to the Earth, even with seasonal variance based on the irregular orbital path.

Blind Spanish Complaints Fall on Deaf Ears

Miami, FL. Public venues in the United States where Spanish speakers account for a significant (read: greater than 25%) portion of the population, still have no representation within the Braille system. Take Miami, Florida, for example. Even in 2006, only 18.5% of the population was composed of non-Hispanic whites, according the Census Bureau. It doesn't take a sociology professor to see the trending exodus being homogeneously replaced by Spanish speakers.

Why is it, then, that the blind population still receives the English treatment? They are living in a predominantly Spanish-speaking population where shop owners and employees alike find difficulties when they don't know Spanish, leaning on friends to translate. And yet the blind Braille system only caters to English speakers. Why haven't their voices been heard?

Grocery stores, airports, hotels, public markets and so forth even in the suburban regions have bilingual signs. But when it comes to emergency exit information and restroom signs - the bare minimum of information to provide - only the English version is available in Braille. The National Braille Association (NBA) has simplified and streamlined its formats in annually updated guidelines. Spanish introduces a mere 7 symbols from the English braille, 5 of which are the vowels with acute marks. It couldn't be a more painless addendum to signage and a more important agenda to tackle as a community invested in the constituents.

Time for representation. Hold your public servants responsible for serving the public.